How is college?

While waiting on an older woman who was with her daughter and grandchildren, her daughter asked,"How are you liking your first year of college?"
"College? I'm not in college..."
"You're not"
"No- I'm only a junior in highschool. I'm 16. The youngest person in the whole store."
We laughed and she apologized. I told her about being asked on Wednesday if I was married.
While fetching the left shoe for her mother, I was laughing in the stock room. My laughter died and so did my momentary happiness. Why do I seem so old? I hate being mature and aged. I'm youthful and love life?

What's going on?

Something's wrong. This isn't right. I feel it foreshadowing something and it honestly scares me.

Are you Married?

Yesterday I sold a woman a pair of shoes. I asked if she'd like the receipt in the box or with her. She said in the box- then changed her mind.
"My husband is out of town and so I'm shopping today. I wouldn't want him to find the receipt in the box so I'll keep it with me."
I laughed.
"Do you have a husband?" she asked.
"No ma'm. I'm only 16,"I said.
"Good years. Enjoy them while they last,"she said. "Have you ever been asked if you were married?"
"No. Not at all. I mean, I've been asked if I had a boyfriend but..." We were laughing and smiling and told each other to have good days. But it made me wonder...

Do I really look that old? To be asked if I'm married? I've been asked where I go to work or college, but... I don't know. It seems a little odd for me. It doesn't scare me- not at all. It just intrigues me more like.

"Open Eyes" - Oingo Boingo

Today before work, I went into juniors and bought the green formal dress I wanted. Thankfully it was still there. I was totally excited. Work was pretty relaxed. Well, I did not get to take a break, so afterwards, my neck was starting to hurt. My feet on the other hand are starting to feel better. I'm getting used to be standing for long periods of time. My check is for 300 dollars. I'm really excited!!! :D
After work I bought a couple of dresses in juniors, but made the unwise decision of trying them on. They both fit my size- but not my shape. I have curves and the dresses are straight and shapeless. where I do have curves, it makes awkward bumps. I regret buying them... Hopefully I'll be able to find a friend who can take them.
I went to the Vanity and the blue and black polkadot shirt I wanted is gone. I took a breath- and lived. I went to Target then.
I didn't find any clothes there that I liked. The super Target next to where Mike lives has so much more for clothes. I'll have to ask him if he could take me sometime. Anyways, I went to the toy section, bought a bubble gun, unicorn back pack, and another gift for Michael's birthday. I'm having so much fun shopping for him, that I wish there was more things I could celebrate. lol. I KNOW he'll absolutely love it. Atleast- he better! *glare* he heh... anyways...
oh! I also got more small plastic animals in the dollar section. That was nice. I enjoyed that.

how do you think you look?

The question was raised by a friend,"How do you think you look?" I think it's a good question that one should periodically ask themselves. I suggest that you do as well my fair reader. There are other questions people should ask themselves. The kind of things that people should answer, that aren't going to be on surveys.
1. What are my religious beliefs?
2. What are my morals?
3. In the past few months, have I changed? If so, for better?
4. What can I do to make things better?
5. Am I happy?

But I'm not quite here to answer those other questions at the moment.
First to assess whether or not I like myself, I should give myself an accurate discription of how I look.

I'm 5ft 8. Reasonable height for my age and genes.
I'm about 125 pounds. Exactly where my body mass index places me. Not a pound more or less.
I have blonde hair, pale skin, and blue green eyes. I may not have boobs like barbie, but in other senses, I look like one perhaps. My skin doesn't break out terribly. I only get a zit once in a while around 'once a month' so, I do pretty good. Now, I'm keeping my dandruff under control with my new shampoo. I'm happy with how my hair is working out for me.
My teeth. I have a retainer and keep my teeth reasonably clean, though I should go to the dentist and get the weird vain on my lower tooth figured out. No one really sees those teeth anyways. Maybe I should floss...
Based on what society tells me to think, I'm pretty good looking- or close to perfect. I know that I'm not.

As a kid in elementary school and middle school, I was picked on. I was pretty confident in myself but I got picked on a lot by a few select popular individuals who aimed to make my life hell. I didn't understand why boys liked them more than me. I thought it was because how I looked. When home alone, I would go into my mom's bathroom and look in the mirror for a while and ask myself, why not me? Long hair. Tall skinny. blue eyes. I came to the same conclusion that it wasn't my appearance.
It wasn't until I changed my appearance into short blue hair, put on a little weight, and dressed the way I wanted to, that under those conditions where appearance didn't matter, I changed my personality. I aimed to be a better person, and do the right thing, be friendly, good and such. I know I probably wasn't like that all the time, but now- I like to think I am.

At this moment. This present time. As I sit and type- I like myself.
I like my blonde hair and height and weight and even- yes- my smile. I like my laugh. I know that when I laugh- it makes other people happy too. I like my clothes that don't fit just right because of my size, and I like who I am. The real me. My personality.

Maybe if you don't like your looks, you shouldn't change them. You should change your point of view on how you look. Your hair color size and shape might not change- but you can. the real you. Your personality and mind.

A diary from work

It's 7:27 and it's KILLING me. ABSOLUTELY BORING. I'll be here til 9:15 tonight. I'll be closing. ALONE. I think I'll do okay. On break I sneaked over to the juniors and tried on a couple prom dresses. A beautiful poofy blue strapless dress is on sale (yellow dot) for 44.00. A gorgeous slim and long silk teal dress with gold beading is 22.00. I met the girl in juniors. she goes to roosevelt and started around the same time I did here at work. My dad and I went to Best Buy today. My computer is $499 until Saturday when the sale ends. I'll get it Friday and buy the anti-virus and accessories later. I NEED that computer none other. It's PERFECT. Oh yeah. I found gold shoes to match the dress. They're 22.00. Maybe I'll get the dress soon too. Next week? I hope I stop my period by Thursday for Mara's pool party...

This again

I wasn't scheduled for Today, tomorrow, or Saturday, but since Dave is gone, I'm covering his hours. Thursdays are Truck days where we get new stock so Dave's schedule was that he was supposed to get in at 7:30. I was a rebel and clocked in at 7:33. yep.
Not long after putting my things in my locker did things starting feeling weird. I went into the ladies bathroom and discovered my period. Rawrg... The machine in the bathroom doesn't work, so I found a nice woman (debbie?)to help me find some. Hugo the janitor couldn't open the machine, so he just grabbed a pad for me. While he cleaned the bathroom, I went to the salon bathroom. The pad is like an inch thick and in a weird cardboard box from like the early 80's.
Not long after opening the new shipment of shoes do I start to get nauseous. I avoided work for a while and fetched a water and some gummy snacks but felt like passing out. I told Jill about not feeling good and she asked for me to stick around for another hour until Mary could cover for me. I avoided customers by sitting in the stock room next to a garbage can and occasionally punching and kicking shoe boxes to make it sound like I was busy. I do that a lot.
It was FREEZING.
I went out for a bit and tried pulling out like, five pairs of shoes for this one woman. I'd go into the back room and try to "find" her size, even though I knew we didn't have it, because I felt sick like a dog. When I was done ringing out her purchase I fled to the back room and laid on the cold floor next to the water jug thingy. I went out and found Mary ringing up a purchase. My face was pale and I trembled.
"You don't look so good,"said the customer.
"Thank God you're here Mary,"I told her.
"Just don't give it to me..."she said as I clocked out. I went to the back room and sat on the floor and called Dad to pick me up. Luckily he answered and was on his way in five minutes.
I love my dad. He can be a hero at times.
I changed into my floral pajamas, popped some pills, plugged in the heating pad and slept for a few hours.
Dad woke me up and asked if I wanted any bratwurst. With mustard. Authentic fancy German mustard.

My dad is a hero.

Psoriasis

Okay, so for years I've been sorta been bugged by friends for having sick dandruff. I was often accused of the kid who never washed their hair or didn't try to. Many references were made to some chick in the Breakfast Club.
Yesterday my dad went to the doctor to ask about it for me and what I should do. I apparently have this wicked cool non-contagious hereditary skin immunity disease where my skin can't stop growing which causes it to build up.

I got shampoo, and it's helping. :) I'm super dooper happy.

oh yeah- by the way, I advise not to do google image searches of it. just take my word for it.

I don’t work at J.C.Penny’s

Last night I came home early from Mike's and thank god.
I got home around 10:30 and there's a note at the foot of my door.
"Go in at 8:00. Jc Penny's. Tilly"
I go to Thomas's room.
"Did you write this?"
"Yeah! get the fuck away!!"he yells. He's playing everquest and keeps yelling at me.
"I don't work at Jc.Penny's. Did they call, or did you just not know?"
"Get the fuck out!!!"
"Who is tilly anyways? I don't know anyone by that name."
"I'm going to fucking hit you!"

Alright. So, I got up at 6:00 today. I'm just worried that my brother wrote down everything he was told, and that some prankster is trying to get me to go into work early. That'd fucking suck.... and piss me off.
I also was supposed to be free Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Now, my manager David can not come back from Texas until Sunday, so I have to fill in for him. Fuuuuck.....

Tonight- I also have a drumline practice from 6:00 to 8:00 at Lincoln south. I might walk. I might not. Whateva.

simple smile

While walking home from work last week, there were some kids on the corner. They all went silent and stared at me-- until I walked by. After I had passed them, they were all talking loudly to each other about my goat purse. I turned around and said,"I'm not deaf. I'm right here." They looked awe struck. I kept walking.
"It looks like an old granny!" some one said. I turned around, gave them a "wtf" look, and kept walking. They did this another time too.
Today, while walking, I saw three kids talking at the corner. The girls, and a boy on a bike. I smiled and said 'hi' to them. I kept walking and from a house I heard a girl run out to the top of her driveway and yell at me.
"You're disgusting and we think your teddy bear purse is ugly!" she yelled. So much pure hate and spite coming from this girl's voice. She was probably only 10 years old. I turned around and gave a "wtf" look.
A different girl came out and yelled,"You're ugly!" I looked her straight in the eye as she said it. I was just so confused. Where had this hate came from?
"Do you want to talk to me?" I asked. She and her friends ran inside giggling and screaming. I looked over at the three younger kids on their bikes. Maybe they were 6 or 7. They watched silently. I walked up to the house. More screaming and laughing came from inside. Loud,"Oh my god!"s echoed from within. I rang the door bell.
"nooo ones hoooome" someone called. I waited patiently and held my hands. I knocked on the door. No answer. I waited a bit longer.
"She's so nice..."said a young girl at the corner.
"Yeah..."said the boy.
"Why are they so mean to her, Maddie?"asked another girl. I turned and as I walked down the driveway, I smiled brightly at them and walked up the street. I'll leave a letter or talk to their parents some other time.
I smiled all the way home.